The Misadvantures of Chris and Sheva!
by Euregatto
Summary: Chris is on a mission to find Jill. Sheva is his partner and she promised to see it through with him ti'll the end-but if she knew it would be THIS hard to keep her sanity, she would have at least written her last will. Good luck, Sheva, you'll need it.


**revised edition of this random ass story I wrote on a different website a few months ago when RE5 came out.  
Chris: Played by me, some of the things that he says are what I said while playing with my friend...  
Sheva: ...my friend who was the one who came up with the "Josh was baking Cookies while we fought Irving" idea.  
and some of what we did with the boss battles actually did happen XD the chainsaw dude's death was an accident. and I did snipe a zombie in the butt.  
**

**please note _random ass_. Some spoilers for those who haven't played the game.**

[Chris weapons: Rifle, Shot Gun, Magnum, ROCKET LAUNCHER!, Proximity Bombs]  
[Sheva weapons: Machine Gun, Grenade Launcher, Handgun, medical spray/herbs, and a stick]

[Chris and Sheva are running through town after killing off half the African Zombies]  
SHEVA: Aw man! I'm out of ammo! Chris, you got any?  
CHRIS: Nope.  
SHEVA: Crap! Now what?  
[Chris looks around and picks up stick. Hands it to Sheva]  
SHEVA: What am I supposed to do with a stick?  
CHRIS: Defend yourself with it, duh!  
SHEVA: How? It's a stick!  
[Sheva hits a zombie across the face with it. The zombie staggers back and falls off roof)  
SHEVA: Oh...  
CHRIS: See?  
[They both jump down]  
SHEVA: What are you going to defend yourself with?  
CHRIS: Uh...  
[Chris picks up rock and throws it at random zombie. Rock hits zombie in head and zombie dies]  
SHEVA: I dare you to that again.  
CHRIS: ... Screw this! I'm using my machete!  
SHEVA: I completely forgot we had these!

[NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva find some ammo and are now running aimlessly around the town. They have fully killed all zombies]  
CHRIS: We are going on a safari, see the zombies from a Ferrari, hope we do not get the las plagas, it's safari time!~  
SHEVA: What are you doing?  
CHRIS: Singing to pass the time. Many nice surprises are waiting in Africa. Sheva, oh Sheva, we goin' on safari!~ I show you my friend, and the chickens and zombies!~ So if you don't wanna come, I go there to find Jill!~  
SHEVA: Who's Jill?  
CHRIS: JILL! (falls to knees dramatically) JILL!  
SHEVA: Right...

[NEXT SCENE: That boss battle when you first meet the guy with the chainsaw. Chris and Sheva kill all the other zombies and then see chainsaw guy running at them]  
CHRIS: WAH! SHEVA SAVE ME!  
[Chris runs off and hides in corner next to locked gate]  
SHEVA: Hey! Don't leave me!  
[Sheva runs past chainsaw guy who turns and runs after]  
SHEVA: HEY! Don't follow me! Kill Chris! I'm too cool to die!  
[Chris is in corner aiming rifle at wall]  
CHRIS: This is just a dream, this is just a dream! Wait... JILL!  
SHEVA: WAH!  
CHRIS: Huh? Is that you Sheva?  
[Sheva runs into corner with Chris. Chainsaw guy comes running in. Chris shoot him in face then he and Sheva run past and back to some random area. Chris sees a random grenade and picks it up]  
CHRIS: Ooo! Grenade!  
[Throws it at Chainsaw guy and accidentally sets off canister of gas. Chainsaw guy sets on fire and dies]  
SHEVA: Nice shot, Chris! I didn't even think to use that can of flammable gas!  
CHRIS: I didn't know it was there...  
SHEVA: ...?

[Next scene]  
[Chris and Sheva watch as the African pulls the blonde woman into the house. They nod to each other and start up the side steps]  
CHRIS: alright, on the count of three-  
[Sheva opens door]  
CHRIS: hey!  
SHEVA: No time for that!  
[they enter completely and Sheva quickly closes door. They are somewhat relieved to see woman unharmed. zombie is gone. woman is acting weird and moaning.]  
SHEVA: Miss, are you alright?  
[woman's head explodes into parasite creature and Chris screams and jumps into Sheva's arms who is instantly crushed by his weight]  
CHRIS: TAPE WORM!  
SHEVA: ow...  
[Chris gets up at starts randomly firing into woman who staggers around room aimlessly. zombies bust in. Sheva starts to shoot]  
SHEVA: Crap! Chris, I'm on my last clip!  
CHRIS: then use your machine gun!  
SHEVA: It's empty!  
CHRIS: Use your stick!  
SHEVA: I'd rather use my machete!  
CHRIS: Just use something!  
[Chris kills parasite and then finally last zombie]  
SHEVA: Whew... I'm down to my machete.  
CHRIS: and stick!  
SHEVA: Chris, seriously. I'm not using that stick.  
CHRIS: But what if you loose your machete?  
SHEVA: Then I still won't use the stick.  
[Sheva picks up 20 rounds from shelf]

[NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva are chased on the train tracks heading for the mines. dogs, hyenas, and zombies are chasing after them]  
CHRIS: I'm allergic to dogs, Sheva! WAH!  
SHEVA: stop complaining and shoot them!  
[Chris sneezes and gets knocked to ground by dog. Sheva shoots dog in face and it dies]  
CHIRS: thanks.  
[Chris gets up and shoots zombie between legs. It dies]  
SHEVA: random. Affective, but utterly random.  
CHRIS: Just don't pull that on me.  
SHEVA: Only when you suggest the stick as a weapon again.  
CHRIS: The stick is useful.  
[Sheva aims at him]  
CHRIS: Just saying!  
SHEVA: Ugh!  
[Sheva climbs on crate then up ladder and onto train. Zombie comes out of nowhere and ignores Chris, climbing up after Sheva. Chris snipes it in butt with rifle and it falls off and dies]  
SHEVA: did you just do what I saw you just do?  
CHRIS: No, you're just mentally deficient so it looked that way.  
[Sheva aims at him again]  
CHRIS: I'm just joking! Jeez!  
[NEXT SCENE: the boss battle of the blob thing, you know, that black monster? Chris goes to control panel and has Sheva lure it into burner room]  
CHRIS: Hurry Sheva!  
[pulls lever]  
SHEVA: Right!  
[Sheva jumps at closing doors but monster grabs her foot and drags her back in. both doors close fully]  
SHEVA: Uh-oh... That's not good, is it?  
CHRIS: SHEVA! BLOB!  
[Sheva and blob get burned to death]

[RETRY SCENE: Sheva rolls out and doors close on monster]  
CHRIS: Whew, nice going Sheva.  
SHEVA: Gr...  
[hits Chris over head with stick]  
SHEVA: you almost got me killed! Next time you're the bait!  
CHRIS: Ow! Sorry, jeez!

[NEXT SCENE: Next boss battle with the giant bat thing. Er.. yeah. Chris and Sheva are looking up at it]  
BAT: RAWR!  
SHEVA: Meep...  
CHRIS: Feeling small... Feeling weak... Feeling very insignificant... RUN!  
[Chris and Sheva start running around little area. Bat follows. Chris is screaming like a girl, like really loud. Chris hides in small green shack]  
CHRIS: Whoa, what the hell...? Ooo! Handgun ammo! ooo! what's this?  
[Chris picks up round land bomb and reads label underneath]  
CHRIS: 'Proximity Mine. attach to desired spot and let something touch it. Just don't let that something be you...:)' happy face? What's with the happy face?  
[Chris picks up the rest and runs outside to see Sheva still sprinting around]  
SHEVA: Save me Chris!  
BAT: RAWR!  
[Chris starts running behind Sheva and gives her the handgun ammo. then stops and plants bomb]  
SHEVA: What's that supposed to do?  
CHRIS: You'll see...  
[Chris is thinking: I have no idea...]  
[Bat steps on it and it explodes]  
SHEVA: Oh, its a mine?  
CHRIS: Yup.  
[Two start shooting underneath tail where it's soft spot is]  
BAT: Rawr!  
[Chris randomly plants four more as they start running again and bat chases after]

[NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva are on random island looking for the other 3 pieces to the plate so they can open door.]  
SHEVA: Ha!  
[Sheva opens box and picks up plate]  
SHEVA: Got it!  
CHRIS: [looks around] alright, hurry up. I don't like it here. It's scary.  
[Sheva jumps down]  
VOICES: Wanalui!  
SHEVA: What the...?  
CHRIS: Meep!  
[Tribal zombies come out of nowhere and start going at Chris and Sheva. They pause and glare]  
CHRIS: Alight, Sheva, follow my lead... Mana gazi, waki, huji majiji!  
SHEVA: What the hell are you doing?  
CHRIS: No idea... Yuyufui, kukulagu, mo!  
(NOTE: if these words are actual words I have no idea…)  
[Zombies look at each other quizzically then glare back at the two. Lift up spears]  
CHRIS: Whelp, that failed. Toodles!  
[Chris runs past zombies and heads for boat]  
SHEVA: Hey! Wait for me!  
[Zombies look at her]  
SHEVA: Oh shit... This isn't good...

[NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva have gotten plate and are moving onto next one. Entire area is swamped with waist-deep water]  
SHEVA: Well, go on, Chris.  
CHRIS: Why me? We don't know what's in there!  
SHEVA: That's why you're going first.  
CHRIS: But why me?  
SHEVA: Pay back for making me the blob-monster's bait.  
CHRIS: Er... fine.  
[Chris wades into water. So far so good. Sheva sees crocodile in front of Chris]  
SHEVA: oh dear... Chris, move back!  
CHRIS: Holy shiz!  
[Chris plants Proximity mine and steps back quickly. Crocodile swims at him and steps on mine. Bomb bows and so does croc.]  
CHRIS: Ha! What now!  
[Gets hit on head by chunk of flesh]  
CHRIS: Ew! Hey, Sheva? Look, lunch!  
SHEVA: You're gross!  
[Chris does same thing to kill all crocs]

[Next scene: Chris and Sheva are exploring ruins]  
SHEVA: I don't think we're on safari anymore, Chris.  
CHRIS: That's ok! Er... We are going on an adventure... see the zombies from a... uh...  
a uh...  
SHEVA: Nothing rhymes with adventure.  
CHRIS: I'll make up some words! See the zombies from a farencher hope we do not get the malencher it's adventure time!  
SHEVA: ...  
CHRIS: Many nice surprises are waiting in the ruins~ Sheva, oh Sheva, we goin' on adventure! I show you the rocks and the... spiders and the zombies! So if you don't wanna come, you have to come here anyway!  
SHEVA: Why'd I agree to this?  
CHRIS: At least we have those cookies Josh gave us! And this cool rocket launcher!  
SHEVA: No offense, but I don't trust you with that...  
CHRIS: I'm still holding on to it. you're the medic.  
SHEVA: I only hold the herbs!  
CHRIS: And use them cause I keep forgetting about them.  
SHEVA: Exactly why I don't trust you with the rocket launcher. At least I can remember I have it.  
CHRIS: ... just go explore lower levels!  
SHEVA: FINE!

[FLASHBACK SCENE: 10 minutes or less before the ruins-Chris and Sheva are running through a tunnel]  
CHRIS: Whoa, Sheva, this tunnel echoes! ECHO!  
ECHO: ECHO Echo echo...  
SHEVA: Shut up, do you WANT whoever's here to hear us?  
CHRIS: I'll just shoot 'em!  
SHEVA: Have fun with that. I'm down to three clips.  
CHRIS: [sniffle] why would you abandon me just to save your ammo?  
SHEVA: I didn't say-  
[skittering sound]  
SHEVA: what was that?  
CHRIS: What was what?  
[Skittering sound again... burrowing spiders pop out of ground]  
CHRIS: 0.0 HOLY SHIZ! SHEVA!  
[Jumps into Sheva's arms but she doesn't catch him. Chris hits ground]  
SHEVA: They're just spiders.  
CHRIS: Ow... [stands up]  
[Spider hisses and Sheva remembers her fear of arachnids]  
SHEVA: SHIZ! CHRIS!  
[Sheva jumps into Chris's arms. Chris screams like girl and runs off]  
CHRIS: JILL!  
SHEVA: Who the hell is Jill?  
[Chris goes on Rambo mode and sets Sheva down, taking out grenade]  
CHRIS: Bring it, bishes. FOR JILL!  
[throws grenade...nothing happens.]  
SPIDERS: ...?  
SHEVA: ...?  
CHRIS: ?...? Oh yeah... I forgot to pull the pin...  
SHEVA: -_- [slaps hand over face]  
SPIDERS: HISS!  
[Chris grabs Sheva's incendiary grenade, pulls pin, and throws it. spiders set on fire]  
CHRIS: Oh yeah! TO JILL!  
SHEVA: WHO THE HELL IS JILL?

[BACK IN THE PRESENT...NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva finally open last door]  
CHRIS: OK, time to rock n' jazz!  
SHEVA: It's rock n' roll Sherlock.  
CHRIS: sh-shut up! you lower my self-esteem percentage to the negatives!  
SHEVA: Is that even possible?  
CHRIS: With math, most likely.  
[Chris and Sheva are heading to stairs when giant bat drops down]  
BAT: RAWR!  
SHEVA & CHRIS: meep...  
[Chris screams and runs. Sheva chases after. Bat follows]  
SHEVA: HOLY SHIZ IT'S STALKING US!  
CHRIS: PETAFILE!  
SHEVA: I highly doubt it would go that far, Chris...  
CHRIS: JILL!  
SHEVA: AND WHO IS JILL?

[Jump Back Scene: Chris and Sheva are scouting around an empty town-One hour before the marshlands]  
CHRIS: Hey, Sheva?  
SHEVA What?  
CHRIS: We are going on a safari, see the zombies from a-  
SHEVA: Why the hell must you insist on singing that song?  
CHRIS: Cause it's cool.  
[Chris points gun at chicken]  
CHRIS: Sheva, hey, check it! Dinner!  
SHEVA: ... At least the chicken isn't infected.  
[Chris shoots chicken but misses, and chicken starts attacking him.]  
CHRIS: Holy rug burned road-killed nuggets!  
SHEVA: ...?  
[Chris starts running around with chicken chasing after]  
CHRIS: SHEVA HELP ME!  
SHEVA: Ugh... [slaps hand over face]

[NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva walk into the oil factory]  
CHRIS: ooo! Looky Sheva, those zombies have flaming arrows!  
SHEVA: Don't they realize they're in an oil field?  
CHRIS: Good point...  
[Chris snipes the archer zombies. Chainsaw revs up and chainsaw guy comes out of nowhere]  
SHEVA: o.o  
CHRIS: 0.0'  
[Chris and Sheva start running around randomly. Chainsaw guy mainly after Sheva]  
SHEVA: Why are they always after ME?  
CHRIS: Because I think they want your stick!  
SHEVA: Welcome to reality! They want to kill me!  
CHRIS: WAH!  
[second one comes out of nowhere]  
CHRIS: Now that ain't right...

[NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva are safely inside. They meet gunpoint with Josh Stone]  
SHEVA: Josh? You're alive?  
JOSH: Whoa, Sheva; Chris, it's great to see you two! I've been in this room for hours!  
CHRIS: doing what?  
JOSH: Baking cookies of course :D  
SHEVA: ...'  
CHRIS: Really?  
JOSH: But I got so bored I ate them all... so none for you!  
CHRIS: [falls to knees] NO!  
SHEVA: I'm stranded with idiots...  
CHRIS & JOSH: HEY!

[NEXT SCENE: Boss battle with Irving being that giant fish thing with the tentacles. Irving hides underwater]  
CHRIS: Sheva... I don't like the looks of things...  
SHEVA: Me either...  
[Tentacles come shooting out of water]  
CHRIS: HOLY SHIZ THAT'S SO NOT RIGHT! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  
[Chris starts running around aimlessly and Sheva is shooting at tentacles]  
SHEVA: Stop acting like an immature idiot and help me kill this guy!  
CHRIS: JILLY!  
SHEVA: And who the hell is Jill?  
[Chris, hearing Jill's name, comes too.]  
CHRIS: [serious expression] time to die, Irving!  
[Chris gets on machine gun and starts shooting at random]  
SHEVA: Maybe I should start saying Jill more often...  
CHRIS: JILL!

[NEXT SCENE: After Chris and Sheva kill Irving and get back in boat with Josh]  
SHEVA: Where'd you go while we were fighting Irving, Josh?  
JOSH: I was baking more cookies for you two just to prove how much I love you!  
CHRIS: You sound like Elmo from Sesame Street...  
JOSH: Cookies...  
SHEVA: Right...

[NEXT SCENE: Sheva and Chris wind up in the ruins somewhere... Both are separated by broken bridge. Chris winds up in room, unaware of the idians stalking him]  
CHRIS: hm, guess it's a dead end in here...  
[turns around to see a bunch of zombies glaring at him]  
CHRIS: Shiz... SHEVA! SAVE ME!  
ZOMBIES: Wanaluki!  
CHRIS: WAH!  
[Chris somehow gets out and is running around. Runs right into Sheva]  
SHEVA: OW! Oh, there you are.  
CHRIS: SHEVA!  
[Chris hides behind Sheva as a bunch of zombies run at them]  
ZOMBIES: Mahujiji!  
CHRIS: MAHUJIKI GO AWAY YOU CRAZY SONSOFBUCKETS!  
SHEVA: Ok, you're scaring me.

[Jumping WAY forward scene: Chris and Sheva finally find Wesker and 'mystery' woman (one in cloak). Wesker removes hood to reveal Jill]  
WESKER: Heh heh heh...  
JILL: ...  
CHRIS: Jill?  
SHEVA: So this is Jill?  
JILL: ...  
CHRIS: JILL!  
[Chris runs at Jill dramatically to give her hug. 'Reunited' is playing in background. Jill is just standing there]  
SHEVA: ?  
WESKER: ...?  
JILL: ...  
CHRIS: JILL!  
JILL: ...  
[Chris is about to hug her but she spins and kicks him all the way back into the wall]  
JILL: ...  
WESKER: Heh...  
SHEVA: meep...  
CHRIS: owie...  
WESKER: Enough of this! I'd say the odds are fair-two on two. C'mon Jill, let's finish them off once and for all!  
SHEVA: Oh HELL NO!  
CHRIS: Jill...  
[Chris is still on the ground]  
SHEVA: GET UP YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR A RAMBO IMPERSONATOR!  
WESKER: Oh well. Two on one works in my favors too.  
SHEVA: Shiz... CHRIS!  
[Jill starts attacking Sheva. Sheva remembers how to get Chris in KILLER mode.]  
SHEVA: JILL!  
JILL: ...  
WESKER: ... what was that supposed to do?  
CHRIS: JILL! [Chris jumps up and aims at Wesker with Rocket Launcher]  
SHEVA: Where'd that come from?  
WESKER: You're gonna miss...  
CHRIS: Jill!  
JILL: ...  
SHEVA: I thought he wasted it on those Licker things!  
[Chris swaps out Rocket Launcher for one of Josh's Cookies]  
WESKER: NO! NOT RAISAN OATMEAL! MY ONE WEAKNESS!  
SHEVA: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me!  
CHRIS: [Throws it at Wesker who catches it and eats it]  
WESKER: Yummy...! Grr... He might have more... I am not going back to the way I was when I was 14!"

[FLASHBACK SCENE: Wesker is 300 pounds over weight and trying to do the 50 yard dash. He reaches the finish line by dragging himself with little result]

WESKER: NEVER! Forget this, I'm leaving! Have fun with your little friend Jilly here.  
CHRIS: JILL!  
JILL: Chris...?  
[Wesker turns up dial and Jill rips open the top of her shirt to reveal machine thingy on chest]  
SHEVA: Hell no! That ain't right!  
CHRIS: JILL!  
JILL: ...  
SHEVA: Not again...  
[Wesker escapes through doors]  
WESKER: Ta ta Darlings!  
[He leaves]  
SHEVA: OK, this is seriously MESSED UP!  
CHRIS: Jill!  
JILL: ...  
[Jill hisses and Chris yelps]  
SHEVA:... [slaps hand over face]

[SOMETIME LATER SCENE: Chris and Sheva have successfully removed machine thing from Jill. Chris is holding Jill like he does in game]  
CHRIS: Jill, are you alright?  
JILL: Chris? Oh God, I'm so sorry. I was fully aware of what I was doing, but I couldn't stop! Forgive me!  
CHRIS: Why wouldn't I? I'm glad you're alive after all this time.  
JILL: I'm glad to see you again...  
[Chris and Jill start making out]  
SHEVA: OK, we seriously have to keep this PG-13 people! Chris, wait until after we get out of this mess to remove her shirt. and yours!  
CHRIS: er... right.  
JILL: Here, why don't you two head out before Wesker escapes. I'll be alright.  
CHRIS: you sure?  
JILL: Get going. You know me better than that.  
CHRIS: Right...

[NEXT SCENE: Chris and Sheva are outside, looking at giant ship]  
SHEVA: There! [points to Wesker with woman Excella -or something like that i forgot how to spell her name- walking into ship]  
CHRIS: Nice eye-sight there Sheva, I didn't even see them!  
SHEVA: I actually need glasses.  
CHRIS: ... LIAR!  
SHEVA: you're right, I was just joking. Now let's go stop this once and for all!  
CHRIS: FOR JILL!  
SHEVA: ... [slaps hand over face]


End file.
